One of my favorite jokes ever. - Woodworking Talk - Woodworkers Forum
 
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post #1 of 16 Old 11-07-2009, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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One of my favorite jokes ever.

I think I posted this a while back, but I was cleaning out some old files and had to post it again...


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.
-Albert Einstein :http://armandj.com
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post #2 of 16 Old 11-07-2009, 01:01 PM
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I need to get out more.

I haven't laughed that hard for a long time! I will be sending this to my cousins in Jersey, who bombard me with email jokes.
Thanks!
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post #3 of 16 Old 11-08-2009, 01:06 AM
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Needs to wipe his ass with a snow cone!!! Hahaha

Every fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.
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post #4 of 16 Old 11-08-2009, 01:08 AM
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I think we have all be in that situation before.

Every fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.
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post #5 of 16 Old 11-10-2009, 09:56 AM
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Very funny stuff! I do enjoy and nice bowl of spicy chili.

Red

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post #6 of 16 Old 11-10-2009, 12:31 PM
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I miss good Texas chili. Folks up here make it sweet and put pasta in their chili (the horror!)
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post #7 of 16 Old 11-11-2009, 07:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cellophane View Post
I miss good Texas chili. Folks up here make it sweet and put pasta in their chili (the horror!)
Say it ain't so!!!!
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post #8 of 16 Old 11-11-2009, 09:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickit View Post
Say it ain't so!!!!
sadly it is

http://whatscookingamerica.net/Beef/CincinnatiChili.htm
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post #9 of 16 Old 11-11-2009, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cellophane View Post
I miss good Texas chili. Folks up here make it sweet and put pasta in their chili (the horror!)
That's about as horrific as the last time I was up in northern VT and stopped in this tiny little village restaraunt for some eats after a nine hour drive from Jersey. The menu said "spaghetti" What ended up on my plate was some kind of noodles and ketchup!

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post #10 of 16 Old 11-25-2009, 08:00 AM
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I've seen this before, and couldn't contain the laughter.

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post #11 of 16 Old 11-25-2009, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cellophane View Post
Texans don't always get it right, either. We stopped in a little town in west TX for dinner. It advertised it's fare as Mexican/American food. Ordered Chilli Rellenos. What came was un breaded bell peppers filled with hamburger and Cheeze Whiz!
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post #12 of 16 Old 11-25-2009, 03:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gene Howe View Post
Texans don't always get it right, either. We stopped in a little town in west TX for dinner. It advertised it's fare as Mexican/American food. Ordered Chilli Rellenos. What came was un breaded bell peppers filled with hamburger and Cheeze Whiz!
Hey I been there! The place is owned my Black Taggers.
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post #13 of 16 Old 11-25-2009, 08:40 PM
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Gene, You need to come to Globe. You can't find better mexican food anywhere. If I ever decide move to a different place it won't be far, because I have to have it on a regular basis. Bell peppers filled with cheese whiz is not mexican food.

Assumption is the mother of all foul -ups
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post #14 of 16 Old 12-03-2009, 06:41 AM
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I think I've seen the same joke, but the food was Indian curries. I remember eating a hot one one night and then the next morning (while sitting on the toilet :-) ) thinking to myself "I didn't think that battery acid was an ingredient that went into curry, because it's certainly coming out now!!!

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post #15 of 16 Old 12-04-2009, 10:22 AM
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Advice for you

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diver Doug View Post
I think I've seen the same joke, but the food was Indian curries. I remember eating a hot one one night and then the next morning (while sitting on the toilet :-) ) thinking to myself "I didn't think that battery acid was an ingredient that went into curry, because it's certainly coming out now!!!
My Father In-Law would suggest you . . .
Eat a gallon of ice cream and start saying "Come On Ice Cream!"

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post #16 of 16 Old 12-04-2009, 10:32 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledhead View Post
My Father In-Law would suggest you . . .
Eat a gallon of ice cream and start saying "Come On Ice Cream!"

You do know that's from a classic Cheech&Chong?...

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.
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