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post #141 of 150 Old 12-27-2013, 09:56 AM
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Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac that stayed up nights wondering if there really was a doG?
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post #142 of 150 Old 12-27-2013, 10:23 AM
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me ...when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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post #143 of 150 Old 12-27-2013, 10:25 AM
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And one more:

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party. She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was "Just the cutest thing!"

Mom waited, and sure enough, she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it up and then says...."You know the only place she can reach water is the toilet." .....
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post #144 of 150 Old 02-05-2014, 07:04 AM
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post #145 of 150 Old 02-06-2014, 08:20 PM
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Gynecologist's Assistant Job Opening

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Louisville, KY and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up
the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $84,000, and you'll have to go to Omaha, NE.

"Good grief, it gets so cold there at this time of the year. Is that where
the job is ?

"No Sir. That is where the end of the line is right now.
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post #146 of 150 Old 02-13-2014, 01:55 AM
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I like the baby and dog picture, thats funny and cute

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post #147 of 150 Old 05-24-2014, 03:20 PM
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I saw Michael Jackson in the department store the other day. The sign said, "Boy's pants. Half off."

Originally Posted by Itchy Brother View Post
How do you know its bedtime at Nerverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! OK,I know,Sick

What college did Micheal Jackson go to? Bringem Young. Sick again.
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post #148 of 150 Old 05-24-2014, 04:22 PM
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How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning? He ate a 9 year old wiener.
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post #149 of 150 Old 05-24-2014, 08:07 PM
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One dark night in Thief River, Minnesota, a fire started inside the local plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the company president rushed to the fire chief and
said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone squeaky siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was the nearby Swedish rural township, volunteer fire company from Nort of Gully composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine
roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were
parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the heroic Swede old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Oscar Peterson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve's gonna do is fix da brakes on dat flippin truck!"
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post #150 of 150 Old 05-24-2014, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Nate1778 View Post
A Termite walked into a pub and asked,

"Where's the bar tender?
The last time I heard that joke I kicked a slat out of my crib!
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