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post #81 of 150 Old 03-31-2013, 11:15 AM
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Hammered Toes

These three old guys were sitting on a bench on the lawn of the nursing home, arguing about who had lived in the area with the greatest longevity.
One old man said he knew a lady that had lived to be 140 years old. The other said he knew of a person that had lived to be 150 years old. The third said that he was walking down the street one day and saw this old, gray haired wrinkled up fellow sitting on the street corner crying. When he asked him why he was crying he said, "daddy whipped me. When he asked him what his daddy had whipped him for he said,"for throwing rocks at grandpa.
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post #82 of 150 Old 04-03-2013, 12:17 AM
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I shot my first turkey today.

I think I scared the other folks in the frozen food section.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #83 of 150 Old 04-11-2013, 08:17 PM
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Blonde Joke

To women, 1 Red head, 1 Blonde,
Red Head, I want to sleep with a Brazilian!
Blonde, You Slut, How many is a Brazilian?

"Dear Lord, lest I continue in my complacent ways, help me to remember that someone died for me today. And if there be war, help me to remember to ask and to answer, 'Am I worth dying for?'"

Eleanor Roosevelt
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post #84 of 150 Old 04-12-2013, 04:28 AM
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Indian tribal wisdom states that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in Washington, D.C., they often try the following strategy first:
1. Buy a stronger whip.
2. change riders.
3. Create a training session to increase our riding ability.
4. Change the standards and declare that this horse is not dead.
5. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
6. Form a sub-committee to find uses for dead horses.
7. Promote the dead horse to lead another committee.
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post #85 of 150 Old 04-12-2013, 11:59 AM
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A hotshot New York City lawyer went duck hunting down in South Texas. Before long, the lawyer shoots and drops a bird, but it falls into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer begins to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drives up on his tractor and asks the lawyer what in the blue blazes he thinks he is doing. The lawyer responds, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old codger replied, “You better hold your horses there sonny. This is my property and you’re not coming over here.”

The lawyer, more than a bit miffed at the old farmer’s gruff attitude, responded, “Look old timer, I’m one of the best trial lawyers in America and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take you to the cleaners.”

The farmer smiles at the lawyer and says, “Apparently you don’t know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle disagreements like this with the Texas three kick rule.”

The lawyer asks, “What in the heck is the Texas three kick rule?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the farmer and agreed to abide by the local custom. The farmer then slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked over to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped the lawyer to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer’s nose off of his face. The lawyer was now flat on his back when the farmer’s third kick to the kidney nearly caused the lawyer to give up. The lawyer then summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

To which the old farmer coolly replied, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Don't Feed the Trolls.
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post #86 of 150 Old 04-12-2013, 12:35 PM
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keeping the Texas jokes going....

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Novice with an attitude

Last edited by hays0369; 04-12-2013 at 12:39 PM.
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post #87 of 150 Old 04-12-2013, 01:05 PM
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Why do Texans wear cowboy boots?




Those little knots are just too damned confusing.
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post #88 of 150 Old 04-14-2013, 09:41 PM
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A Texas family walks into a talent agency.... A father mother brother sister and a dog.......,,,, wait..., this might not be appropriate here.....
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post #89 of 150 Old 04-14-2013, 10:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jjboozel
A Texas family walks into a talent agency.... A father mother brother sister and a dog.......,,,, wait..., this might not be appropriate here.....
You have my attention JJ. Don't leave me hangin'!

Please PM me the rest.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #90 of 150 Old 04-16-2013, 01:17 PM
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A strongman was exibiting his strength before a group of people one day. He took a lemon and squeezed a large puddle of juice onto the ground and offered $100 to anyone that could get even one drop from the lemon.

A muscular lumberjack came forward and squeezed until his face turned purple but could not get a drop. Then a burly construction worker tried, and he could not get a drop from the lemon. Finally a little skinny nerdy looking pipsqueak came forward amid laughter and jeers. Things got very quiet when he casually squeezed a large puddle of juice onto the ground.

The strongman could not believe his eyes and asked the little fellow what his occupation was. The fellow said, "I work for the IRS."
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post #91 of 150 Old 04-16-2013, 01:41 PM
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #92 of 150 Old 04-16-2013, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hammered Toes View Post
A strongman was exibiting his strength before a group of people one day. He took a lemon and squeezed a large puddle of juice onto the ground and offered $100 to anyone that could get even one drop from the lemon.

A muscular lumberjack came forward and squeezed until his face turned purple but could not get a drop. Then a burly construction worker tried, and he could not get a drop from the lemon. Finally a little skinny nerdy looking pipsqueak came forward amid laughter and jeers. Things got very quiet when he casually squeezed a large puddle of juice onto the ground.

The strongman could not believe his eyes and asked the little fellow what his occupation was. The fellow said, "I work for the IRS."
I don't know to laugh or cry, I just paid my tax bill yesterday!!

Novice with an attitude
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post #93 of 150 Old 04-16-2013, 08:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hays0369

I don't know to laugh or cry, I just paid my tax bill yesterday!!
Big boys do cry. Let it all out buddy.

Its gonna be ok... sshh sshh that's it. There ya go. Yah sshh.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #94 of 150 Old 04-17-2013, 10:59 AM
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Lol. Ya gotta love sympathy!
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post #95 of 150 Old 04-17-2013, 04:44 PM
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I am sympathetic. I pay taxes too!

Can have a hug?

:(

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #96 of 150 Old 04-18-2013, 01:52 AM
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What happens when you fart in a Smart Car with the windows rolled up?


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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey

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post #97 of 150 Old 04-19-2013, 04:18 PM
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A farmer married late in life to a younger woman and a year went by before he consummated their marriage. And when he decided to act it was a spur of the moment event that led to his screaming and yelling from the field, his barging into the house and ripping all his wife's clothes off and taking her on the floor. That night his wife had to sew all her clothes back together.

Exactly a year went by and he did the same thing again. And again his wife had to sit up all night, sewing her clothes together. She figured the next time she heard him screaming she would simply take her clothes off and save her the trouble of having to repair them.

About a month later she heard him screaming and yelling so she stripped off her clothes and was standing in the middle of the floor naked when he came barging into the house.

He came to a sudden stop and screamed," sex maniac, the barns on fire."
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post #98 of 150 Old 04-19-2013, 10:45 PM
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Laughing! Its always about perspective isn't it?

Thanks!

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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post #99 of 150 Old 04-19-2013, 11:09 PM
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An old millionaire decides to marry his young blond secretary.

Afew months later he takes her to the Maternity hospital where he is met at the door by the Resident Nurse. She looks at him and then his young blond bride and says " well, ain't you sumthing. " he answers yes, when you are my age you have to keep the old machinery running.

12 months later, they are back at the Maternity Hospital and the same rResident Nurse is their and says once again " Well, ain't yo sumpin. " His reply was the same. You've got to keep the old machinery working.

12 months on, they were back again to the Maternity Hospital but the Nurse was off duty at the time. When the baby was born the greeting Nurse helped deliver the baby and then went out to tell the husband.

Seeing the old codger again, she looks him up and down and says " Well, ain't you sumpin. " and he replies again when you get to my age you have got to keep the old machinery going.

To this, she says, " Well, it might be time to change the oil, because this one is black. "

Pete
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post #100 of 150 Old 04-19-2013, 11:40 PM
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Speechless!

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his
sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey
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