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post #41 of 150 Old 05-09-2011, 11:24 AM
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The girl came to the car wash. The mechanic inspected the car.

- Well, - she asks - a serious failure? - If it was a horse - said the mechanic - I have it on your site just to shoot.
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post #42 of 150 Old 05-10-2011, 12:36 PM
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Angry

Little Stevie went to Mr. Smith to ask him for his daughter Jennie's hand in marriage. Mr. Smith thought that it was so cute because Stevie and Jennie were only 10 years old. So Mr. Smith thought he would play it up to get a chuckle from the situation.

He asked Stevie where they would live if he decided to consent to their marriage. In a very adult manner, Stevie said they decided to live in Jennie's room since it was so much bigger than his room. He then asked where they would get enough money to live on since he was not old enough to get a job, and Stevie said that since he received $5 a week and Jennie received $10 a week in allowance, he figured $60 a week was sufficient to live on until they were ild enough to get a job.

By this time Mr. Smith was really enjoying little Stevie's cute answers, so he decided to go a little further and ask him the all important question of what they would do if they had children to which Stevie said," well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr Smith no longer thinks Stevie is the cute little boy he once thought he was.
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post #43 of 150 Old 05-14-2011, 11:23 PM
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A farmer married a much younger woman late in life and it was a full year before he consummated their marriage. He did this in a rather peculiar way by running across the field, screaming as if something was wrong. He stormed in the door, threw his wife on the kitchen floor, tore her clothers off and had his way. The poor woman sat up half the night sewing her clothes back together.

About a year later the same thing happened with the same results; he tore her clothers off and had his way with her. Again she had to sew her clothers up. But after that time she decided that if she heard him screaming again she would simly get naked so she would not have to spend all night sewing her clothes back together.

About six months later she heard him screaming so she took off all her clothes and was standing in the middle of the flooer naked when he came bursting into the room. He came to a skidding halt and screamed, "sex maniac, the barns on fire."
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post #44 of 150 Old 05-15-2011, 10:21 AM
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Married to a Russian Chukchi. Asked his neighbors:
- Well, as your Russian wife?
- A good wife, just dirty, every day to wash.



Every evening at the beach goes Chukchi and shouting in the direction of America:
- Beggars!
He said:
- Why are the poor when they live well?
- Alaska purchased, and in Chukotka money is not enough.


Family idyll.
Male reading the newspaper. Wife knits. On her feet a dog. In a fireplace blazes
fire. My wife tells her husband:
- I beg you! Do not say "yes, dear," whenever the dog
growls in his sleep.

Last edited by R.J.; 05-24-2011 at 05:52 AM.
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post #45 of 150 Old 05-18-2011, 10:45 AM
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A frog walks into a bank and goes up to the first teller he sees.
The ladies name tag says Patti Wac. He says "Hello Mrs. Wac. I am here because I would like to take out a loan"

The teller says "of course we will just need some information: what is your name?"
Frog says: "My name is Greenie Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and my father knows the manager"
The teller reluctantly asks for his collateral for the loan.
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant "This is your collateral?" she says.
"Why yes it is" Mused Greenie.
Mrs. Wac decides she needs to clear this with her manager.
She goes in his office and says "There is a frog outside that claims his father Mick Jagger knows you and you would approve him this loan with the collateral of this....thing here...I don't even know what it is really...."
The Manager responds:
"It's a Knick Knack Patti Wac! Give the Frog a Loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

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post #46 of 150 Old 05-18-2011, 04:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Russian joiner View Post
Interpretation for people with good sense of humor.



Anecdote of the Cold War.
The Cuban Missile Crisis!
Fly two Russian ballistic missiles and to meet her American.
Occur.
-Where are you flying? asks the American
- I am to you and you?
- And I to you
- Let's drink to the meeting, spoke Russian.
- Come on!
Pour a glass of vodka. drink.
- Do you know what I have a powerful charge. says the American.
- Yes, and I have not weak. meets Russian.
- Listen, for when we fly so far, we perish!
- Yes! meets Russian. Yes wai even a glass of vodka? so as not to be scared.
- Come on! says the American.
Drink.
- Well, I flew.
And the one for the road !!??? speaks Russian.
Drink on the third glass of vodka!
American missile turned pale and said - What I feel bad
I'm sick and his eyes dark. How do I fly?
Do not worry! - I will help you reach home!


In the emergency room comes proctologist, whose arm got stuck in the patient.
A trauma to them:
- We have a trauma center here, not the puppet theater!

Alright the first joke I could have done without, but the second joke - that was hilarious.
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post #47 of 150 Old 05-19-2011, 02:40 AM
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Yes, the second joke was more hilarious.

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post #48 of 150 Old 05-19-2011, 05:45 AM
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Chukchi invited a prostitute to pay for the sable pelt. The girl, having received a skin, happy, and says:
- Come on, Chukchi, once again,
- Come on, - said the Chukchi. And then took a skin:
- However, I wanted - a skin you gave. You wanted - a skin let me.


Russian Extreme: Saying on March 8, police stopped a car: "Hello, girls, happy holiday to you!"



One blonde says to another:
- Around a fraud! I looked at the door says Men, looked - and there is a toilet!

Last edited by R.J.; 05-19-2011 at 12:00 PM.
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post #49 of 150 Old 05-23-2011, 08:42 AM
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Wife:
- Finally, we need to fire our driver. Today is the third time he almost killed me.
Male:
- It's a great guy. Let's give him another chance.
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post #50 of 150 Old 05-23-2011, 09:01 AM
Huh?
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Russian joiner View Post
Wife:
- Finally, we need to fire our driver. Today is the third time he almost killed me.
Male:
- It's a great guy. Let's give him another chance.
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post #51 of 150 Old 05-23-2011, 09:31 AM
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Bull, found in the grass, glove, picked up her horn and turned to the cow:
- Madam, are not you lost your bra?
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post #52 of 150 Old 05-27-2011, 03:58 AM
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At one of Sydney's radio stations can call and tell her most shameful history. The best are awarded cash prizes to 1000 to $ 5000.
Here's the story, which received $ 5000.
This week I had written to her gynecologist for routine inspection. And in the morning pretty early I got a call from the clinic and was told that due to the fact that someone had canceled my account, I can come to them already in 9.30. I had just sent his family to school and work, and the clock is already a quarter to nine and to the doctor was 35 minutes. By this I hurried. As probably most of women, before visiting a gynecologist, I would like to devote some time, intimate hygiene, but this time I had too little time for careful maintenance, so I just grabbed a rag to wash, lay on the sink, and the quick replacement of its means that at least have a "presentable" appearance. I quickly threw the cloth into a tank of dirty clothes, dressed quickly and hastily went to the clinic. There I had to wait a few minutes before I could enter the room to the doctor.
Since I, like many women, is familiar with this procedure for many years, I habitually climbed on a chair, staring at the ceiling and imagined if I were in Paris or some other distant place. Went the doctor and I must say that I was somewhat surprised when he said: "Oh, so today we tried!"
I said nothing and was relieved to perceived end of the procedure. All the rest of the day I spent on household chores - cleaning, shopping, cooking ...
When finished schoolwork, my six year old daughter returned home. She is the one played in the bathroom when she shouted: Mom, where's my wash cloth? "I told her that she was in the laundry and that she took his net. But she replied:" No, Mom, I need just one that lay on the sink, I'm in it put all its glitter and stars!
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post #53 of 150 Old 05-27-2011, 04:15 AM
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post #54 of 150 Old 06-10-2011, 08:22 PM
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Ukrainian TV. The stereotype of Russian and Americans.



http://www.worldwineguide.ru/play/Yn...tles%2529.html
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post #55 of 150 Old 07-06-2011, 12:44 PM
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A guy goes into the forest. Drunk. Suddenly, it runs on elk and knocks down man.
Just go up - the bear after the elk runs, knocked again, and man, not even noticing it runs on. Already an evil man gets up and sees a jerk, as it accumulates on the hare. A guy starts gloating smile. . . A second later it turns on the ground, and the hare escapes.
And then a voice came from heaven:
- A man, a man! You'd moved away from the carousel. . .
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post #56 of 150 Old 07-09-2011, 02:41 AM
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

We're getting there

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It ran out of juice.

Use the right tool for the job.

Rich (Tilting right)
Huntington Beach, California
Remember that when we have the "BIG ONE" everything east of the Rockies falls into the ocean.
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post #57 of 150 Old 07-09-2011, 07:07 AM
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Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Jim went out hunting. This was Jims first time ever hunting, so he was following Bobs lead.

Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Jim to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Jim what had happened.

Jim said "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed.

Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."

"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Jim continued, "two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat em now?"








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post #58 of 150 Old 07-22-2011, 09:17 AM
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man comes to the doctor
-Doctor, I have a problem, one egg of iron, other of wood.
Doctor asks him:
- Than you do bother you that you can not have children?
- No, it does not interfere with the doctor. and I have children, two sons Terminator and Pinocchio.



приходит мужик к врачу,
-доктор, у меня беда, одно яйцо железное, другое деревянное.
Доктор у него спрашивает:
- чем вам это мешает, вы что, не можете иметь детей?
- Нет, доктор не мешает. и дети у меня есть, два сына Терминатор и Буратино.

Last edited by R.J.; 07-22-2011 at 09:20 AM.
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post #59 of 150 Old 07-26-2011, 07:40 AM
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Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, €˜Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go
and says, "Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man
lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out
another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out
a little squeaker and says,'Field goal,
I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure
is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman,
so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives
it everything he's got, and accidentally
****s in the bed.

The wife says,'What the hell was
that?'

The old man says, 'Half time,
switch sides
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post #60 of 150 Old 08-01-2011, 07:11 AM
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On the women's caucus.

Girls you just do not laugh much, yesterday, my husband finally persuaded to buy a chandelier crystal, expensive (half a year hoarded). We went to the store, took the chandelier and the wings of joy home, snatched on the way brandy (to wash the case). Sat at the table, ran for 50, then repeated, well, I say, but let's Vasek still hang today, man kind, whether from the brandy, or of my happiness agreed. They put a chair on his stool, and perched on a stool, my, and I made her hold. I stood there watching as my lucky eagle under the ceiling conjures (and for some reason he was in his underwear family), translate the view below, and what I see, from these cute panties rolled egg, well, I'm so touched and took so lightly given schelban. My "Proud Eagle" as the fly with this trestle, along with a chandelier which smashed into smithereens, and jumps up with the rest of the chandelier to my jumps I thought would kill, and he says: ****, as a current hit, just before the eggs come down, well not to death


Девченки вы только сильно не смейтесь, вчера своего мужа наконец то уговорила люстру хрустальную купить, дорогую (пол года копили). Поехали в магазин, взяли люстру и на крыльях радости домой, по дороге прихватили коньячку (обмыть это дело). Сели за стол, врезали по 50, потом повторили, ну и говорю, а давай Васек все-таки сегодня повесим, мужик добрый, то ли от коньяка, то ли от моего счастья согласился. Поставили стул, на него табуретку, взгромоздился мой на табуретку, а меня заставил ее придерживать. Стою счастливая наблюдаю как мой орел под потолком колдует, (а он почему-то в семейных трусах был), перевожу взгляд ниже, и что я вижу-из этих симпатичных трусиков выкатилось яичко, ну я от умиления взяла и так легонечко дала щелбан. Мой "ГОРДЫЙ ОРЕЛ" как полетит с этой эстакады, вместе с люстрой, которая расколотилась вдребезги, вскакивает и с остатком люстры ко мне подскакивает думала убъет, а он говорит: -Бля как током ударило , прямо до яиц дошло, хорошо не насмерть
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