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post #21 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 11:02 PM
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Two blondes are going to buy a car.
One says.
- my husband said to buy a Mercedes.
- but as you will see that this Mercedes?
- My husband said look for a ring with a tight g-strings
.
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post #22 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 11:26 PM
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OK from another forum.

A Blondie, redhead and brunet, all pregnant were talking.

The redhead says, "I was on top so I'm having a boy."

The brunet says, "My husband was on top so I'm having a girl."

The Blondie starts crying and says, "I'm having puppies."

Use the right tool for the job.

Rich (Tilting right)
Huntington Beach, California
Remember that when we have the "BIG ONE" everything east of the Rockies falls into the ocean.
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post #23 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 11:55 PM
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My all-time favorite:

A bear and a rabbit sitting side by side in the woods taking a $hit.

Bear turns to the rabbit and says "you got a problem with $hit sticking to your fur."

Rabbit says "no"

So the bear picks him up and wipes his a$$ with him.
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post #24 of 150 Old 04-08-2011, 12:11 AM
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That is the funniest one here!
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post #25 of 150 Old 04-08-2011, 01:04 AM
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An Army Air Force Pilot was stationed in England during the war and became close friends with a RAF pilot. One day they were walking past this lake where a young, pretty English girl was fishing. The American asked the girl what she was fishing for and she replied."men." The American pilot then asked her why she was sitting on her bait. The two pilots then went on their way. After they had strolled for about an hour, the RAF pilot said,"that was an amusing thing you said to that young girl back there, but how did you know she had worms?"
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post #26 of 150 Old 04-08-2011, 09:52 AM
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Written on the back window of the car.
Attached Images
 

Last edited by R.J.; 04-08-2011 at 11:39 AM.
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post #27 of 150 Old 04-08-2011, 10:57 PM
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A friend of mine recently texted me and asked, "What does IDK stand for?"

I wrote "I don't know."

He replied, "OMG, nobody knows!"

Rob
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post #28 of 150 Old 04-09-2011, 01:02 AM
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In the old days when churches were made of logs and weren't really finished inside or out a preacher was closing up his sermon one Sunday and told the congregation to be sure and come back next Sunday because he was going to preach about Moses talking to Jesus. Sometime the following week the church door was left open and that Saturday night a big possum crawled up into the rafters. When the preacher shouted "and Moses said," the possum woke up and growled. The preacher looked up and screamed,"JESUS CHRIST, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT RAT."
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post #29 of 150 Old 04-10-2011, 04:43 PM
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Grandpa takes his 9 year old grandson fishing. After a few minutes grandpa pulls out a cigar and lights it. Grandson asks "hey gramps, can I try your cigar? Gramps replies "Can you touch your a--hole with your d---? Grandson say no so gramps says "then you're not old enough". A few minutes later gramps cracks a beer. Grandson asks if he can try it. Gramps asks the same question and grandson replies same, so gramps says no your not old enough. Grandson sulks off a bit and breaks out his lunch, pulling out some really fresh chocolate chip cookies. Gramps asks if he can have one. Grandson asks "can you touch your a--hole with your d---? Gramps quite proudly responds "why yes I can!" So grandson says " Well then go F--- yourself old man, these are my cookies!

That bowl was perfect right up until that last cut...
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post #30 of 150 Old 04-14-2011, 11:51 AM
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A man lost in the woods. Shouting.
Bear comes out and asks.
- Man, are you yelling about Che?
- Can anyone hear help.
- I have heard, help?
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post #31 of 150 Old 04-16-2011, 12:18 AM
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lumberjack is talked into buying a chainsaw to replace his axe that he has used for years. less than a week later the woodcutter returns chainsaw to salesman complaining that using an axe he is able to cut and trim over a dozen large trees in one day, with the chainsaw the most he has been able to fell is about half that many. the salesman quickly examines the saw for problems and then cranks it with one easy pull. the lumberjack yells " Whats that noise? "
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post #32 of 150 Old 04-19-2011, 12:51 AM
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Three little boys were arguing about whose daddy was the fastest. One said he thought his daddy was because he could shoot an arrow and catch it before it hit the target. The second little boy said he thought his daddy was the fastest because he could throw a 90 mph fastball and catch it before it crossed the plate. The third little boy said he knew his daddy was the fastest because he worked for the government and although he worked until 4 o'clock every day, he always got home at 3 o'clock.
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post #33 of 150 Old 04-25-2011, 11:24 PM
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove "old-growth timber" from a "recreational area" so close to a "waste treatment facility".

I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down.

What goes around, comes around.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Last edited by jharris; 04-25-2011 at 11:26 PM.
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post #34 of 150 Old 04-26-2011, 04:49 AM
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A man calls his wife and shouts, “Honey, I won 7 million dollars in the lottery! Start packing!”



The woman can hardly contain her excitement. “Oh my god, honey, that’s wonderful! Should I pack winter things or summer things?”



The man responds, “I don’t care what you pack. Just be out of the house by the time I get home.”
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post #35 of 150 Old 05-07-2011, 05:27 PM
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Have you tried the new official drink of The Navy Seals?

It's called the osama.

Two shots and a spash of water.

I'll drink to that!
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post #36 of 150 Old 05-07-2011, 07:37 PM
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An old man was sitting on a bench in the park just crying his eyes out. A passerby asked what was wrong. The old man says: " I'm 91 years old, won $35 million in the lottery, bought a new mansion, and just got married to an ex Playboy bunny".

The passerby asked with all that good fortune why was he crying.

The old man said" I can't remember where I live".








.
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post #37 of 150 Old 05-07-2011, 09:42 PM
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So a woman is cheating on her husband.
Husband comes home early one day and some guy is pounding in the old lady right on the front room floor.
The man exclaims what the hell are you doing?
The wife looks up and the lover and says
See I told you he was stupid
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post #38 of 150 Old 05-08-2011, 01:54 AM
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What is a broken boomerang called?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.ya' ready?

.

.

.

.a stick
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post #39 of 150 Old 05-09-2011, 10:35 AM
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Interpretation for people with good sense of humor.



Anecdote of the Cold War.
The Cuban Missile Crisis!
Fly two Russian ballistic missiles and to meet her American.
Occur.
-Where are you flying? asks the American
- I am to you and you?
- And I to you
- Let's drink to the meeting, spoke Russian.
- Come on!
Pour a glass of vodka. drink.
- Do you know what I have a powerful charge. says the American.
- Yes, and I have not weak. meets Russian.
- Listen, for when we fly so far, we perish!
- Yes! meets Russian. Yes wai even a glass of vodka? so as not to be scared.
- Come on! says the American.
Drink.
- Well, I flew.
And the one for the road !!??? speaks Russian.
Drink on the third glass of vodka!
American missile turned pale and said - What I feel bad
I'm sick and his eyes dark. How do I fly?
Do not worry! - I will help you reach home!


In the emergency room comes proctologist, whose arm got stuck in the patient.
A trauma to them:
- We have a trauma center here, not the puppet theater!

Last edited by R.J.; 05-09-2011 at 11:13 AM.
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post #40 of 150 Old 05-09-2011, 11:17 AM
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A New Yorker is visiting in Texas and goes to one of the local bars. At the other end of the bar there's this Texan braggin' in a loud voice about how he gets in his car in the morning, and it takes all day to get off his property.

The New Yorker chimes in and says: "I used to have a car like that".








.
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