My favorite Jokes - Woodworking Talk - Woodworkers Forum
 1Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 150 Old 01-19-2007, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sacramento Ca
Posts: 115
View Hubert's Photo Album My Photos
My favorite Jokes

My wife says these are "not nice" for a minister but I like them.





(I don't drink beer so I especially like this one)

When Lite-Beer first came out every one wanted to know how it was made. A farmer decided he would find out. He poured some into a jar and sent it to the local agriculture college and asked them to "analyze this." They sent him a letter. "Your horse has diabeties."



God was talking to Adam and Eve in the Garden. He tells them who wants to pee standing up????

Being a guy Adam emediatly says, "Me, I do I do!!!!"

God says ok and Adam runs off to "write his name in the snow."

God then turns to Eve and says, "Ok I guess that means you get the multiple orgasms."
Hubert is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 150 Old 11-19-2009, 07:15 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 9
View Mike Morgan's Photo Album My Photos
WHY MEN DON’T MAKE GOOD SECRETARIES:
A note:

“The Guyana College called. They said Pabst Beer is fine.
I didn’t even know you liked beer.”
Mike Morgan is offline  
post #3 of 150 Old 01-13-2011, 04:19 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
View wescox007's Photo Album My Photos
Do lag screws really "lag?"
wescox007 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #4 of 150 Old 04-06-2011, 10:16 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
View Hammered Toes's Photo Album My Photos
If you enjoy a good joke it means you are human and can enjoy life. Nothing turns me off quicker than a minister. or anyone else for that matter, that does not know how to enjoy life. A joke is too good to not share, even if it is on yourself, as I will tell later.
Hammered Toes is offline  
post #5 of 150 Old 04-06-2011, 10:45 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
View Hammered Toes's Photo Album My Photos
This is stupidly funny and I was the stupid perp. My wife, son, daughter-in-law and I were at a restaurant for their grand opening breakfast bar. I saw what I took to be hotcakes because they were right beside the syrup, so I took two and proceed to bathe them in the syrup. A lady next to me gave me a weird look but didn't say anything. When I got back to our table I dug into my "hotcakes" and found they were extremely tough. I said as much to my son and he started laughing because I had filled my plate with round ham and syrup. My son still tells his mother to "watch poor old grandpa" so he doesn't try and eat any more rubber hotcakes. Even the waitress got a good laugh that day.
Hammered Toes is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hammered Toes For This Useful Post:
kevin-m (04-08-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013)
post #6 of 150 Old 04-06-2011, 10:51 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
View Hammered Toes's Photo Album My Photos
Quote:
Originally Posted by wescox007 View Post
Do lag screws really "lag?"
Yes, they do. If they didn't, you could never catch one to use it.
Hammered Toes is offline  
post #7 of 150 Old 04-06-2011, 11:02 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
View Hammered Toes's Photo Album My Photos
Besides my woodworking hobby, I like farming to the extent that I keep a few chickens and an old mule around. What happened the other day gave me a different outlook on what all a chicken goes through some days just to lay an egg. It has been extremely windy this spring here in WV and the wind was blowing harder than usual the other day when I spotted this old hen sitting with her back to the wind. I thought at first she was dead so I went to check on her. When I got close enough to see her I saw she was trying to lay an egg. Well, the wind was blowing so hard that she laid that same egg 5 times before it died down enough for her to get away from it.
Hammered Toes is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hammered Toes For This Useful Post:
davelindgren (04-07-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013)
post #8 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 12:43 AM
Senior Member
 
Itchy Brother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Looneyville,California
Posts: 2,357
View Itchy Brother's Photo Album My Photos
How do you know its bedtime at Nerverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! OK,I know,Sick

What college did Micheal Jackson go to? Bringem Young. Sick again.

***For the record*** Ive made hundreds of guitar bodies,never put one together and cant play a note.
Itchy Brother is offline  
post #9 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 07:34 AM
HALL OF FAMER
 
Kenbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8,226
View Kenbo's Photo Album My Photos
So, Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

There is a very fine line between a "hobby" and a "mental illness"
Kenbo is offline  
post #10 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 08:10 AM
Senior Member
 
R.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Eastern Siberia
Posts: 779
View R.J.'s Photo Album My Photos
Imagine a picture.
Two guys, years so on 25 sit at one of little tables, and it is lazy sup bottle beer. Two sit at the next little table very much even nice girls of years so 18-20, and too drink beer, but thus they still at the same time and smoke (I do not know, whether it is necessary to name smoking girls girls). And the smoke flied aside, guys and those obviously were delighted with it not. And so, one of guys (rather loudly) gives out:
- Ivan, you sometime saw smoking cow?
- No.
- And, look, at once two sit
Then, it was distributed a thunderous laughter sitting at other little tables, and girls (having reddened as cancers, having extinguished cigarettes and having seized in an armful of a handbag) hasty retired.
ПС: If their (girls) sights during this moment had density I think from guys would remain unless, that the pool of blood, is no more.
R.J. is offline  
post #11 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 08:25 AM
Old School
 
cabinetman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: So. Florida
Posts: 24,062
View cabinetman's Photo Album My Photos
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.


The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.


He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job.


“So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.


WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.


Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.


Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.


The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”


Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”









.


cabinetman is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to cabinetman For This Useful Post:
cody.sheridan-2008 (04-08-2011), mackem (05-10-2011), mickit (04-15-2011), sawdustfactory (04-10-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013), wolfmanyoda (04-07-2011)
post #12 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 08:52 AM
Senior Member
 
R.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Eastern Siberia
Posts: 779
View R.J.'s Photo Album My Photos
In Russian joke Randy comes to the farmer and speaks.
You like me!


Pancake, I can not transfer{translate} correctly.

Last edited by R.J.; 04-07-2011 at 08:57 AM.
R.J. is offline  
post #13 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 10:01 AM
SS user
 
Gene Howe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Snowflake, AZ
Posts: 2,690
View Gene Howe's Photo Album My Photos
Мой русский друг,
Будет "Google Translate" помочь?
Gene Howe is offline  
post #14 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 10:29 AM
Senior Member
 
SteveEl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,560
View SteveEl's Photo Album My Photos
About Adam wanting to pee standing up?

A few years ago we got one of those cheap UV lights at the pet store for cleaning up after your four legged senior-citizen family members. Then my wife shined it on my pants after I came out of the bathroom, and then the bathroom walls. Y-u-c-k! A quick random sample of guys we know suggests every man's pants look just as disgusting under UV!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hammered Toes View Post
he started laughing because I had filled my plate with round ham and syrup.
Hey Ham, long long ago my folks came to visit me one weekend at school. Dad was fond of peanutbutter and honey on vanilla ice cream and that sunday happened to be ice cream sunday. So Dad goes in search of his treat, and whaddayknow! They had both PB and honey for toppings! The only trouble was, Dad didn't spot the ice cream table over in the corner, but the salad bar. His "ice cream" was a heaping mound of whipped butter.
SteveEl is offline  
post #15 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 10:52 AM
Old School
 
cabinetman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: So. Florida
Posts: 24,062
View cabinetman's Photo Album My Photos
Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveEl View Post
About Adam wanting to pee standing up?

A few years ago we got one of those cheap UV lights at the pet store for cleaning up after your four legged senior-citizen family members. Then my wife shined it on my pants after I came out of the bathroom, and then the bathroom walls. Y-u-c-k! A quick random sample of guys we know suggests every man's pants look just as disgusting under UV!
Here's a tip...try unzipping and taking aim.








.
cabinetman is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cabinetman For This Useful Post:
mdntrdr (04-07-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013)
post #16 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 12:03 PM
sawdust manufacturer
 
txpaulie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 581
View txpaulie's Photo Album My Photos
A young guy from Texas moves to New York and goes to a big "everything under
one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell Did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold the guy a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast,
So I told him he was gonna need a boat,
So we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

...ever notice how "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, unless you are at a funeral..?
txpaulie is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to txpaulie For This Useful Post:
calcnerd (12-27-2013), crazytiki (04-24-2013), jdixon (04-07-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013)
post #17 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 12:22 PM
sawdust manufacturer
 
txpaulie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 581
View txpaulie's Photo Album My Photos
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her helicopter got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of ammo, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!", said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
we learn from this horrible story?"

"Dad says we learned to stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

...ever notice how "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, unless you are at a funeral..?
txpaulie is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to txpaulie For This Useful Post:
jdixon (04-07-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013), Woodworkingkid (04-19-2011)
post #18 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 01:05 PM
Member
 
wormwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Dixie
Posts: 80
View wormwood's Photo Album My Photos
My favorite joke:


6 women are sitting around a table minding their own business....






.




.





.




.




.




.




.

I'm WEDGE, the world's simpliest tool

Wedge WormWood
wormwood is offline  
post #19 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 01:14 PM
Senior Member
 
Nate1778's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisville Ky
Posts: 1,308
View Nate1778's Photo Album My Photos
A Termite walked into a pub and asked,

"Where's the bar tender?
Nate1778 is offline  
post #20 of 150 Old 04-07-2011, 05:36 PM
Senior Member
 
dwendt1978's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan
Posts: 246
View dwendt1978's Photo Album My Photos
Two blondes are sitting on a park bench. One blonde says to the other, "I wonder what's closer, Florida or the Moon?" The other blonde says " Duhhh, you can see the moon from here"
dwendt1978 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dwendt1978 For This Useful Post:
sawdustfactory (04-10-2011), vinnypatternmaker (02-24-2013)
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Woodworking Talk - Woodworkers Forum forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Jokes jpw23 Off Topic 10 12-04-2013 04:25 PM
Hunters Jokes Stumpcarver Off Topic 2 04-23-2013 12:13 AM
Favorite Jigs? dwwright Design & Plans 11 07-17-2007 12:03 AM
Jokes-Please read. Big Dave Off Topic 0 01-16-2007 10:14 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome