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Hubert 01-19-2007 05:12 PM

My favorite Jokes
 
My wife says these are "not nice" for a minister but I like them.





(I don't drink beer so I especially like this one)

When Lite-Beer first came out every one wanted to know how it was made. A farmer decided he would find out. He poured some into a jar and sent it to the local agriculture college and asked them to "analyze this." They sent him a letter. "Your horse has diabeties."



God was talking to Adam and Eve in the Garden. He tells them who wants to pee standing up????

Being a guy Adam emediatly says, "Me, I do I do!!!!"

God says ok and Adam runs off to "write his name in the snow.":laughing::laughing:

God then turns to Eve and says, "Ok I guess that means you get the multiple orgasms." :blink::blink::blink:

Mike Morgan 11-19-2009 07:15 PM

WHY MEN DON’T MAKE GOOD SECRETARIES:
A note:

“The Guyana College called. They said Pabst Beer is fine.
I didn’t even know you liked beer.”

wescox007 01-13-2011 04:19 PM

Do lag screws really "lag?"

Hammered Toes 04-06-2011 10:16 PM

If you enjoy a good joke it means you are human and can enjoy life. Nothing turns me off quicker than a minister. or anyone else for that matter, that does not know how to enjoy life. A joke is too good to not share, even if it is on yourself, as I will tell later.

Hammered Toes 04-06-2011 10:45 PM

This is stupidly funny and I was the stupid perp. My wife, son, daughter-in-law and I were at a restaurant for their grand opening breakfast bar. I saw what I took to be hotcakes because they were right beside the syrup, so I took two and proceed to bathe them in the syrup. A lady next to me gave me a weird look but didn't say anything. When I got back to our table I dug into my "hotcakes" and found they were extremely tough. I said as much to my son and he started laughing because I had filled my plate with round ham and syrup. My son still tells his mother to "watch poor old grandpa" so he doesn't try and eat any more rubber hotcakes. Even the waitress got a good laugh that day.

Hammered Toes 04-06-2011 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wescox007 (Post 175951)
Do lag screws really "lag?"

Yes, they do. If they didn't, you could never catch one to use it.

Hammered Toes 04-06-2011 11:02 PM

Besides my woodworking hobby, I like farming to the extent that I keep a few chickens and an old mule around. What happened the other day gave me a different outlook on what all a chicken goes through some days just to lay an egg. It has been extremely windy this spring here in WV and the wind was blowing harder than usual the other day when I spotted this old hen sitting with her back to the wind. I thought at first she was dead so I went to check on her. When I got close enough to see her I saw she was trying to lay an egg. Well, the wind was blowing so hard that she laid that same egg 5 times before it died down enough for her to get away from it.

Itchy Brother 04-07-2011 12:43 AM

How do you know its bedtime at Nerverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! OK,I know,Sick

What college did Micheal Jackson go to? Bringem Young. Sick again.

Kenbo 04-07-2011 07:34 AM

So, Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the long face?" :blink:

R.J. 04-07-2011 08:10 AM

Imagine a picture.
Two guys, years so on 25 sit at one of little tables, and it is lazy sup bottle beer. Two sit at the next little table very much even nice girls of years so 18-20, and too drink beer, but thus they still at the same time and smoke (I do not know, whether it is necessary to name smoking girls girls). And the smoke flied aside, guys and those obviously were delighted with it not. And so, one of guys (rather loudly) gives out:
- Ivan, you sometime saw smoking cow?
- No.
- And, look, at once two sit
Then, it was distributed a thunderous laughter sitting at other little tables, and girls (having reddened as cancers, having extinguished cigarettes and having seized in an armful of a handbag) hasty retired.
ПС: If their (girls) sights during this moment had density I think from guys would remain unless, that the pool of blood, is no more.

cabinetman 04-07-2011 08:25 AM

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.


The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.


He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job.


“So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.


WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.


Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.


Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.


The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”


Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”









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R.J. 04-07-2011 08:52 AM

In Russian joke Randy comes to the farmer and speaks.
You like me!


Pancake, I can not transfer{translate} correctly.

Gene Howe 04-07-2011 10:01 AM

Мой русский друг,
Будет "Google Translate" помочь?

SteveEl 04-07-2011 10:29 AM

About Adam wanting to pee standing up?

A few years ago we got one of those cheap UV lights at the pet store for cleaning up after your four legged senior-citizen family members. Then my wife shined it on my pants after I came out of the bathroom, and then the bathroom walls. Y-u-c-k! A quick random sample of guys we know suggests every man's pants look just as disgusting under UV!


Quote:

Originally Posted by Hammered Toes (Post 202892)
he started laughing because I had filled my plate with round ham and syrup.

Hey Ham, long long ago my folks came to visit me one weekend at school. Dad was fond of peanutbutter and honey on vanilla ice cream and that sunday happened to be ice cream sunday. So Dad goes in search of his treat, and whaddayknow! They had both PB and honey for toppings! The only trouble was, Dad didn't spot the ice cream table over in the corner, but the salad bar. His "ice cream" was a heaping mound of whipped butter.

cabinetman 04-07-2011 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveEl (Post 202999)
About Adam wanting to pee standing up?

A few years ago we got one of those cheap UV lights at the pet store for cleaning up after your four legged senior-citizen family members. Then my wife shined it on my pants after I came out of the bathroom, and then the bathroom walls. Y-u-c-k! A quick random sample of guys we know suggests every man's pants look just as disgusting under UV!

Here's a tip...try unzipping and taking aim.:laughing:








.

txpaulie 04-07-2011 12:03 PM

A young guy from Texas moves to New York and goes to a big "everything under
one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell Did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold the guy a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast,
So I told him he was gonna need a boat,
So we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

txpaulie 04-07-2011 12:22 PM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her helicopter got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of ammo, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!", said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
we learn from this horrible story?"

"Dad says we learned to stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

wormwood 04-07-2011 01:05 PM

My favorite joke:


6 women are sitting around a table minding their own business....






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:laughing:

Nate1778 04-07-2011 01:14 PM

A Termite walked into a pub and asked,

"Where's the bar tender?
:no:

dwendt1978 04-07-2011 05:36 PM

Two blondes are sitting on a park bench. One blonde says to the other, "I wonder what's closer, Florida or the Moon?" The other blonde says " Duhhh, you can see the moon from here"


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