cabinetman

I want to hear the stupid jokes that make people groan, and roll their eyes back.

Like:

Know why monkeys have big nostrils?
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Big fingers.

Daren

I got a couple.

A chimpanzee walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender just stares for a minute in amazement, "You're a talking chimp !".
The thirsty chimp replies "Yea, you must not be a hearing bartender, I just ordered a beer and there you still stand. Are you going to get me a beer or what?"
After the bartender walks off the chimp feels kinda bad for being hateful. So when the bartender comes back with the beer he says "Sorry I got lippy with you, I'm just in a bad mood" of course the bartender (like all bartenders) asks. "What's the matter buddy ?"
The chimp explains "I have had a really good job working construction for over 2 years steady, then work dried up and I got laid off today"
The bartender trying to help points out the window "See that ?, the circus has come to town. They are just setting up, maybe you can get a job with them ?"
The chimp looks out the window for a minute to see what the guy is talking about. He turns back around and asks the bartender "They are just building tents, what would they need a finish carpenter for "

Here's my last (I promise)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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TexasTimbers

How bout some of us also just tell the punchline and see if someone has heard the joke and can post the joke itself. I'll start.


And the farmer look puzzled, almost incredulous for a secong and replied: "What's time to a pig?"

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Jack Brannon

The farmer was holding a pig up to a tree and letting the pig eat apples off the tree when a fellow stopped and told him he could save time if he shook the apples off the tree and let the pig eat them off the ground whereas the farmer said," what's time to a dumb old pig."

Handyman

An Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out
of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter
has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her lif e.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa,
and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"you gonna try again"

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Handyman

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says,'Before
you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you
are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tel l that
joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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Handyman

Homer walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on."
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair's fair, here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money

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TexasTimbers

You got it Jack. My kind of dumb joke.

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Jack Brannon

An old farmer was sitting dejectedly in his barn one day when a machinery salesman came in to try and sell him some machinery. When he had made his presentation, the old man told him to listen to a story he had to tell. He started with:

I went to a sale yesterday and bought this cow. This morning I wanted to milk her so sat down on my stool to start when she took her left foot and stuck it in the milk bucket. Now I'm a patient man so I took her left foot and tied it to that post over there. As soon as I sat down she took her right foot and stuck it in the bucket. As I said, I'm a patient man so took her right foot and tied it to that post over there. When I again proceeded to milk her she took her tail and slapped me across the face with it so, being a patient man, I tied her tail to that beam overhead. About that time my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was trying to milk that cow I'll buy all your farm machinery.

Mike

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the
convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his
clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous! . If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks
you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told
him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you, too!!"

Mike

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey boss, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house.'

Jack Brannon

Moe: I once knew a man that worked extra hard to run for United States Senate.

Joe: What does he do now?

Moe: Absolutely nothing . . . he got elected.

Jack Brannon

When Bill Clinton was President he was returning from a trip to his native Arkansas with a sack over his shoulder. A Secret Service agent, wanting to make a few brownie points, asked him what he had in the sack that moved around so much.

Clinton told the guard that it was a genuine Arkansas Razorback Hog that he got for Hillary.

The guard, still on his brownie-point gathering trip, replied, " darn good trade, sir."

pubsleeper

A man walks into a pub with a women on his back
The bar keep asks him "what are you supposed to be?"
The man answers " A snail"
Bar keep replies; Then what is that on your back?
Me-shell (Michelle)
LOL

Hubert

When lite beer first came out people were wondering how they made it. So a farmer pours some into a jar and sends it to the local agriculture college and asks them to analyze it. A few weeks later he gets back the report. "Your horse has diabetes." (hint, what fluid is used to test for diabetes?)

Daren

Before you post please read Big Dave's comments on jokes here. (stuck at the top of this section) I agree completely. Just give a little thought to the fact we are visited by all types of people young and old, male and female of all religions and etc..Let's not offend anyone. I am not preaching, I have a list of dirty jokes as long as my arm...but they do not belong here on a family friendly forum.

That comment was not directed at you Hubert (even though it says I edited your post) I have had to delete some jokes I felt inappropriate. Come on fellas don't make my job here sucky.

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vinnyb76

old man charlie was riding his bycicle home one evening when suddenly his chain snaps,he gets off realizes he cant mend it so he starts walking home which is a few miles away.
a mile down the road a bright red ferrari drives past him stops then two men get out one of them asks charley "would you like a lift mate you look pretty tired", "no thanks" says charley "i would but i can`t leave my bike here". "its a pity your bike can`t fit in my car boot" the man replies.
As they walk back to there car the second guy turns round to charley and says "ive got an idea mate what if we was to tow you,we could tie the rope around your handle bars we would drive really slowly, if we did go a little fast you can ring your bell then we will slow down" charley thinks really hard about the offer then accepts.

after a few minutes travelling at 10 mph charley starts to feel relaxed thinking this is the life with not having to peddle.
meanwhile in the car the first man looks through his rear view mirror at charley then turns to his mate and says "he sure looks happy back there i know lets have some fun with him" then begins to accelerate.

So at 20 mph charleys wondering what the rush is about.

at 30 mph hes starting to get a bit worried.

40 mph he decides to ring his bell but to no avail.

at 80mph as you can imagine charleys about to fill his pants,hes ringing his bell frantically,waving at the driver through the rear window to pull over,and of course hes shouting a few expletives to them both.

Meanwhile further on down the road two policeman are in their car eating doughnuts watching the traffic when zoooom a blur of red speeds past them both "holy cow" says copper one "did you see that" "what that ferrari going at 120" says copper two, "no" copper one replies "im on about that mad old timer trying to over take it"

Jack Brannon

A woman in the last stages of pregnancy was involved in an automobile accident and was in a coma for several weeks. When she regained consciousness, she found she was no longer pregnant. she immediately rang for the nurse and wanted to know if her baby was o.k. The nurse told her she had had twins and they were doing very well and her brother from Texas had already named them.

She started moaning and cried out,"NO! NOT HIM! He is a complete idiot. He would not have sense enough to name a dog, let alone a human being."

After she had cried herself out she asked thet nurse what he had named her babies and the nurse replied," He named the little girl Denise." The woman was completely stunned because this was a really good name. When she asked the nurse what he had named the little boy baby the nurse hesitated before she replied -

















Denephew!

TexasTimbers

Pubsleeper, when I read your joke I said to meself "that sounds like British humor (of which I am a big fan; the ones I can understand)".

I then noticed your location.

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